The last time I tell someone to stick it up the wazoo

The last time I tell someone to stick it up the Wazoo

The first time I can remember telling someone to stick it up his or her wazoo was when I was nine. The teacher, Miss Whatsherface, told me I had to step away and not participate in sports' day after I tried to defend a fellow student who was being bullied. Believing strongly that I was unfairly treated pushed me to do it. I told Miss Whatsherface to stick sports' day up her wazoo. That was that, the first time of significance I can remember being so bold and stupid.

The second time I told someone to stick it up the wazoo was when I was eleven and playing baseball. I was at bat. There were no strikes against me, three balls.  I then proceeded to watch in slow motion three strikes hit the catcher's mitt. I didn't even swing the bat, or even take it off my shoulder for that matter. I figured the bum on the mound couldn't possibly throw three strikes in a row by me, but he did, (according to the umpire) and I was out. I told the umpire to stick it up his wazoo. He then kicked me out of the game in the most demonstrative way that umpire's do- 'you're outta here.' It wasn't the umpire’s fault I didn't swing the bat. Even if they weren't strikes I could have hit them. Poor ump, he was just trying to make some extra cash, and he probably figured umpiring baseball matches was a good way.  

The third time I told someone to stick it up his or her wazoo was in the school library.  I remember how old I was because I remember the school. I was fourteen.  In this particular instance I was flipping through magazines in the school library.  They had a fantastic collection. I particularly liked reading about sports.  Well, we used to steal quite a few of the magazines. We’d cut the pictures out and hang them on our bedroom walls. The librarian soon cottoned on to what we were doing in the magazine aisle, and that quite a few of the back catalogue were missing. Of course I denied everything when she accused me. Of course I didn't like that she was accusing me and fought my corner very well, until I made the mistake.  I was almost out the door when she said, ‘and do you have anything more to say for yourself, young man?  I did, of course, but I hesitated for maximum effect.  

‘Yeah, lady- stick it up your wazoo!’ 

The fourth time I told someone to stick it up his or her wazoo was when I was seventeen. This time I was playing basketball and the coach and I didn't get along.  He was a short guy with a short guy's complex. What was he doing coaching basketball?  If he knew what he was talking about I would have given him some slack for being a midget, but no; he didn't know anything about basketball. He was a Golden Gloves boxer; rumour had it. He was also a real hot head so we were bound to butt them together sooner or later.  Well we were into the first quarter of the game, and I was riding the pine.  I did not like riding the pine, so after a while, as the other team piled on the points, I got angry just sitting there watching my team lose.  So it was a hopeless situation and I did the only thing I could think of- leave, walk out, get up and go.  I was on my way out, passed the parents, cheerleaders, etc. I could hear the whispers...‘Where is he going? He can’t do that.  Mr. Shorty is going to kill him.  He was a Golden Gloves boxer, you know.’  I was almost out of there when my older brother grabbed me. He was in the stands behind the cheerleaders but he caught me at the door underneath the bleachers. ‘Where are you going?’ he said. ‘I'm going home,’ I said. ‘You can’t just leave in the middle of a game,’ he replied. He reasoned with me there under the bleachers and talked some sense into me and got me to sneak back in and make it look like I just needed to have a wee or take a crap.  Coach Shorty knew better, plus I didn't get his permission. It was written on my face- my hatred for his stupid military mind games. Oddly enough (he was an odd man); he put me right in the game as soon as I came back from my supposed crap. I played okay but I wasn't in there long enough to break a sweat before the first half whistle blew and a fifteen minute break. Shorty didn't say anything at half time about me walking off but he had that look on his face. Second half, same old story, back riding the pine until the end of the game we lost by twenty something points. After the game we shook hands with the other team and made our way to the dressing rooms.  Shorty made his move, ‘why did you walk out during the game without permission?’ I couldn't resist, ‘stick it up your wazoo, Shorty.’  He turned bright red.  He had a white albino bonnet which made him look really funny when he was angry because it accentuated his bright red face. God, I hated that man. I walked into the dressing room with Shorty breathing down my neck.  He let rip as soon as I pushed the doors open. ‘That’s it. You’re through. You’re not going to college. I will see to it that don't get accepted nowhere and drive a garbage truck the rest of your life. You’re not going anywhere in life. You are a loser.’ He got right up in my face. Nobody told Shorty shove it up his wazoo.  But I did, and I did it again and again and again and there was nothing he could do about it but turn the brightest red you've ever seen.  I don’t know what exactly I said to him but I really let rip with the expletives and he was firing them back at me too, not very professional behaviour for a teacher or coach. He even had his fists clenched and cocked but he knew he couldn't hit me as much as he wanted to. I really made him look like the fool he was. He would have been finished, a bum, teaching career over in one swift punch.  He should have been finished anyway but he got away with it because I didn't push the issue. 

There was a time when someone told me to stick it up my wazoo, except I was the teacher this time, in London, out by Heathrow Airport. A student was goofing off instead of completing the assignment clearly displayed in my lousy handwriting on the whiteboard behind where I sat at my desk grading papers. I asked the student to come to my desk so I could look at his exercise book- no date, no description of how Hitler’s rise impacted the rest of Europe, no attempt at reading the passage in the text book. Nada.  I told this student to go back to his desk and get to work or he would be spending his lunchtime with me, and that I'm very boring and he would much rather be outside with his friends. He went back to his desk after making a lame promise. Ten minutes later I called him back up to my desk- same thing. Nada- blank piece of paper except for a penis and two testicles in the bottom corner. I told him he would be spending fifteen minutes at lunch with Mr. Boring to make up for the time he had wasted so far. He wasn't happy, but he walked back to his desk and started writing furiously knowing the bell would ring in a couple of minutes. After the bell rang he came back to my desk and presented to me his work. He was very proud of himself. Students were coming and going from the classroom and I was preparing my next lesson. I looked over his last ditch effort. It was an abortion, an embarrassment to mankind.  I told him that it’s not a race, that he needs to take his time when he is composing his sentences, that he needs to use the whole lesson to complete his work, not just the last three minutes. He said he took his time, why did I think it took him so long to complete? Some of these students think you were born yesterday. I told him that it’s not about speed or quantity but quality. I also called him lazy. He didn't like that. Nobody called him lazy. I told him to calm down and we could talk about it at lunch time. And you can guess what he told me to do.  

'Stick it up your wazoo, you Yankee prick!!!!'     

I remember the fifth time I told someone to stick it up his or her wazoo. I was fourteen. I was crossing the street and a car slammed on the brakes.  The driver then honked in my face so I flipped him the bird. How dare he ride down the road whilst I was crossing it? Was he blind or something? He got out of the car and approached me standing in front of his car with my bird still erect. ‘What’s wrong with you, kid?’ I didn't say anything. I held my ground and turned to him holding the flipped bird in front of his face. Luckily, he was smart enough not to whack a fourteen year old idiot, even though I did deserve it. We were sort of rowdy back then. We didn't really have any rules. Dad died when I was eleven so my brothers and I ran a little wild in those years.  We used to bang about the local YMCA and library causing trouble in the years before his death and we continued to do so into our mid teens. We weren't mean or anything, just sinister and cunning in our pursuit of a thrill. We became a little more respectable as we got older. Our rowdy years didn't last too long luckily. The law had cottoned on to us and we had better things to do than cause mischief.  That’s all it really was- mischief. We were bored really and looking for adventure-thrills.  Stealing was a thrill.   Vandalism was a thrill.   I forgot that I had flipped that guy the bird in the middle of the street.  It was my brother that reminded me.  I’d completely forgotten about it until I told him that I was trying to remember all the times I'd told someone to stick it up his or her wazoo and he reminded me of the flipping the bird incident and the Stromboli incident, which occurred around the same time, and did not involve me telling someone to stick it up his or her wazoo, but someone telling me to stick it up my wazoo. 

There used to be a pizzeria across from the Junior school called Stromboli King. They specialised in this unusual Italian speciality, the Stromboli, yet the owners were Chinese. Behind the counter was a very large sign that read: 

What is a Stromboli? 

And a description below, very clearly laid out for the customers:

A Stromboli is a type of turnover (folded pizza) filled with mozzarella, salami, capicola and bresaola and vegetables. 

We walked in everyday after school and waited in line. Stromboli King was very popular after school with all the kids from the Junior School across the street.  It was usually packed. None of the students ever ordered a Stromboli, just a slice of pizza or two. When we got to the counter we would look perturbed as to what to choose from the menu behind the Chinese man.  Inevitably we would ask after much deliberation, ‘what’s a Stromboli?’ and the Chinese man would get annoyed and point at the sign behind him. 'Oh, okay, sorry didn't see the sign.' Then we would order a slice of pizza. At first he didn't mind but after several months he started to get a little fed up with us asking him, ‘hey, what’s a Stromboli?’ One day I walked in and had an extra long deliberation at the counter, I dragged on my decision making process for almost a minute before I finally asked, ‘hey, what’s a Stromboli?’ The Chinese man had enough.  He blew his top. 

‘Go stick it up the wazoo!!! Stick it up the wazoo!!’ he said and chased me out the front door and up the street.  

The last time I told someone to stick it up his or her wazoo happened with my older brother a couple of summers back in France. We were drinking whiskey and talking about growing up. It was early in the evening and the sun had almost set completely. Funny thing is we were talking about Mr. Shorty. My brother was giving me grief about how I shouldn't have quit the basketball team, that I shouldn't have told Mr. Shorty to stick it up his wazoo, that I had an attitude problem when I was a kid, etc. etc. I listened and listened and reasoned and reasoned about how Mr. Shorty was wrong and that I was right to stand up to him, that I was the only one brave enough to stand up to his Nazi regime, and that Mr. Shorty was a bad role model and should never have been a teacher or coach because he was not only bad at both but also highly unprofessional. Well, my brother likes to boar in and I should have just walked away, but instead, I told him to stick it up the wazoo. I stupidly illustrated exactly what he was talking about, that I had an attitude problem. Still. 

And that was the last time I told someone to stick it up the wazoo. I hope it’s the last, I really do.  

Out of Colour, Out of Mind

Out of Colour, Out of Mind

I found Debra’s white tee shirt at the bottom of my laundry basket. It was the day of her funeral. I held the wrinkled white tee shirt in my hand and felt as if I should shed a tear. It was so soft to the touch. I'd actually forgotten about the tee shirt, like a lot of the clothes I've lost track of along the way. The tee shirt had obviously spent some time at the bottom of the basket. I tend not to wear white very often so it's pretty rare for me to do a white wash. The white wash makes its way to the bottom of the laundry basket eventually. Colour takes precedence in my laundry basket hierarchy. Out of colour. Out of mind. It all seemed so sad. It was a nice tee shirt that didn't deserve to be treated so badly at the bottom of the laundry basket. I always loved it for some reason, it's soft thin feel. It seemed to cling to the body in a static electric way. It was actually a designer tee shirt of the highest quality that will remain nameless for Debra's sake and the fact she disliked name dropping products in songs and stories, especially a corporation such as Tesco, something I found out first hand when she critiqued one of my stories. It was her only objection, that I mentioned the name of a product.  God forbid it was a corporation such as Tesco. I was just stating a fact in relation to a character. It wasn't that big a deal. All friends have differences.

Whenever I slept on Debra’s sofa she brought the tee shirt down for me with a pair of pajama bottoms and a furry blanket and I slept on her sofa with her Staffordshire bull terrier, Madagascar, sleeping at my feet. She was quite cozy, Madagascar, especially last Easter. It felt odd to hold Debra's tee shirt knowing that she had died. I thought of Madagascar and her two boys. And all her friends... the neighbours on her street who were close to her and found her dead after they heard Madagascar barking and barking for hours on end, or so the story travels sadly. I still had her white tee shirt in my laundry basket because I wore it home from her place by accident after I put my flannel shirt and sweater on over it in the morning. We drank coffee in her garden and she told me her troubles and I told her mine. 

I didn't expect Debra to die. I'd only seen her a couple of months earlier and she looked fine. She was fifty three years young. She was walking near the train station during her lunch break near the college where she worked and not far from where I worked at the mental institution. She was with another English lecturer when I passed her.  He looked like an English lecturer anyway, or History. He had an ever thinning pony tail and wore a brown corduroy blazer with what looked like matching corduroy trousers. They were deep in conversation when I turned the corner. I knew what they were talking about by the look on Debra's face when our eyes met. We had that connection. We squinted in each other's eyes, like two Lieutenant Columbos. I knew that they were talking about the script Debra and I wrote together some months earlier. I could tell by the look in her eye and by the fact she shifted her glasses in a nervous way and looked away. I wanted to say hello but she didn't allow me the opportunity. 

I sent Debra a couple of text messages to sort of open the door to a reconciliation but I wasn't serious enough in my messages to merit a response, which I regret  (I should have been more serious). She wanted a proper apology from me and I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. I thought she was being silly really. Childish to be exact. I was only guilty of trying to fix my dear buddy, Pete the Tooth, up with her because he asked me for her number after they met in the Red Lion Pub and got on famously, or so it seemed to me and the Tooth. I told him that I would have to ask Debra if it was okay but I didn't see why not. When I asked her she said she didn't want me to give him her number. I asked her why not and we had a bad argument on the phone over it. I didn't like the reasons why she wasn't interested in the Tooth, that she was judging the Tooth on his nickname. I called her ‘shallow minded and she said that I was a ‘nasty man.’ I thought the whole conversation was a joke but she was serious. She really thought I was a bastard and I was offended she thought so. All I did was try and put two people who wanted love together. 

When Pete the Tooth met Debra at the Red Lion pub it was six months before Debra died. Debra knew Pete from a story I had written about him called Pete the Tooth, which I’d asked Debra to read for me. I felt that she formed an opinion of Pete already based on the story, which exaggerated aspects of Pete's personality, like his drinking and irascible nature at times. I tried to explain to her that he wasn't really like that, that it was exaggerated, that she didn't have to call him Pete the Tooth, that I’d invented these things about Pete for the sake of the story, to make the character more interesting, that in fact, Pete the Tooth was a far more interesting character than the story, a much better person, and that I thought they’d make a great couple. Debra was very offended that I thought they'd make a great couple and didn't want to talk about it any more. She hung the phone up on me and that was the last time we spoke in person. 

When I told the Tooth that Debra died he had an odd reaction.  He looked pleasantly relieved after the initial shock that hits people when they discover someone they knew or met has died. They replay the events of their encounters with the newly departed in an astonished awe and take stock of their own mortality. Even though the Tooth didn't know Debra that well he had strong feelings for her. It was written on his face. He often asked about Debra and talked about her and the time they met. Their meeting didn't obviously hold the same impression for Debra. The Tooth was quite moved when I told him Debra died. His reaction was slightly odd but the Tooth is actually the most sensitive man that I have ever met. He's also probably my best friend. I asked him why the reaction and he explained.  

‘I had a crush on her from that night you brought her in the pub. She was my type. So honest, and smart, and interesting. Imagine if she did fancy me and we got together and then she died so suddenly. That would be the fourth time in my life something like that has happened to me, so suddenly, and I don't know if I'd be able to handle it again. You know my first wife went off with the next-door neighbour. That nearly killed me, took me years to get over that. I didn't see it coming.  I thought she loved me.  I still haven't gotten over that one. And then when I realised that my second wife was a lesbian, which really wasn't a surprise, but it hit me just as hard really as I was having a mid life crisis at the time. Even though I never married the third one we were together the longest. Unfortunately we fought more than the others and at my age I am too old to be fighting so it was a good thing she kicked me out, after the initial shock, but if Debra and I got together and she died six months later, that would have really done me in. I feel very blessed actually, at the moment.'  

The Tooth had a strange way of cheering a guy up. He also had strange logic sometimes. I couldn't help but thinking that maybe he could have saved Debra. Who knows? She told me not long before she died that she wanted to find someone to love, that she’d been alone for too long.  I told her not to force it, that it’s not a requirement in life to have a lover or a friend. She had her dog and her two boys now grown up. What more could she want without complicating things further. ... She had lots of friends. She had her house. She had a new job, even if she wasn't making as much money as before, she had one.

What she said she really wanted was a lover and to write. I told her I couldn't be her lover but I could be her friend and I could write with her. So we did. We wrote a story about our lives called Parallel Universe. We spent Easter weekend planing and writing it. We had a reading of it at my place and people seemed to like it but like so many projects of this variety they require contacts, money, time, and a will of iron to see it through. Nevertheless, I'm glad we wrote the script together, that in the last year of Debra's life she started to write. I'd like to think she's looking over me now. Well, I can still hear her voice so she must be. 

Apparently, I heard through the grapevine that Debra found some interest in Parallel Universe from an English lecturer at her new job who had some connections in the industry.  I imagine it was the same lecturer she was walking down the street with the last time I saw her and we didn't say hello to each other. She felt stronger about Parallel Universe than I did, I guess. I'd like to think that we were taking a break from each other more than any kind of permanent falling out. I feel sadness but not guilt. 

I put Debra’s white tee shirt in the washing machine with all my other whites. I hung it in the garden near the shed and waited until it dried in the sun.  When it dried I put it on and buttoned up my only white button down shirt over it. I put on my only tie, appropriately black, and black trousers.  Luckily I had a nice black blazer Pete the Tooth let me borrow for the funeral.  I polished my shoes on the way out the door and hopped on the bus to pay my respects to Debra and talk to the English lecturer and others I knew through Debra and put some faces to the names of the others.

On the way to the funeral and throughout those days I sang a song to myself that Debra and I both loved. I sing it to myself whenever I think of her now. 

'Fire and soil... well who  cares... just take off your underwear.... and kiss the life... into me.... and death will fall.... at my feet.' 

The Walnut Tree Wine Cave

The Walnut Tree Wine Cave

One of my first jobs was at the Walnut Tree Wine Cave. The Wine Cave wasn't a cave at all. It was one of a row of shops in a shopping centre called Walnut Tree. There was a florist, pharmacy, travel agent, Wendy's burger chain, and the supermarket Stop and Shop. There was also the cinema where I saw Blade Runner when I was twelve. 

The Walnut Tree Wine Cave sold all types of alcohol in all shapes and sizes. Labels stared at you from everywhere and cardboard promotions dangled from the ceiling and filled any space not available to exhibit products. There were rows of shelves filled with predominately Ernest and Julio Gallo and Carlo Rossi wines, which were the same company and the big monopoly at the time. Gallo were master marketers and had every size and variety of wine you could imagine. Their 3 and 4 litre jugs of wine came in cases of four and were a pain in the ass to lug around. The Gallo and Rossi 3 and 4 litre jugs filled most of the bottom shelves. Their 1.5 litres filled the middle shelves and their 750 mills filled the top shelves. Gallo and Rossi flooded the market completely in those days but times were changing with the ripening wine boom and people’s desire to drink better wine. 

I didn't work behind the counter at the front of the Walnut Tree Wine Cave where the customers entered and paid for their items on their way out and very often purchased lottery tickets. I worked the shop floor stocking the shelves and cooler with wine, spirits, beer, coolers, soda and juices. Stock Boy extroidinaire.  I held the price gun in my hand or tucked in my back pocket. A holster would have come in handy. I walked around adjusting the price on the clicker then shot the price tag onto the new bottles of wine, whiskey, vodka, gin. Sometimes I tagged a new price over an old price. I was sixteen when I first started working at the Wine Cave and it was a good job, when it wasn't boring. I also took the deliveries in, checked the invoices, matched the items, checked for damages to the bottles or labels, made sure of the right sizes, etc. I made deliveries in the van to the elderly who couldn't walk any more and to other liquor stores in the area who we were part of our co-operative to stay competitive with the bigger liquor stores. 

Martin and his wife Agnes were the owners of the Wine Cave. They were in their sixties. Martin was of Polish descent and he liked to poke fun at himself for being a ‘dumb Pollock.’ 

‘I must be a dumb Pollock to be in this business.’ 

Martin had a day job as well repairing computers so he was hardly dumb. He came to the Walnut Tree Wine Cave at night to work and keep an eye on things. I usually saw him at the end of my 10 to 6 shift when he was coming off his 9 to 5. He was a stocky guy who reminded me of Lieutenant Columbo without the cigars and hair for Martin's hair was completely grey and he smoked Marlboro red cigarettes. Agnes worked behind the counter during the day and sometimes back in the office at night. She was soft-spoken and delicately mannered and always spoke glowingly of Martin and how he was one of those people that were lucky in life, that it was Martin who always won the raffles, that it was Martin who won in Atlantic City and Vegas. They were a good team. 

Brian was the manager. He was about 30 years old. He stood out because he was a sharp dresser and he always had something going on with his hair- a new style, a new colour. Brian had psoriasis, just about the worst case I've ever seen. Oddly enough, Martin also had psoriasis, probably worse than Brian's. Psoriasis was their bond.

Brian was much more self conscious about it than Martin. Martin was older and married with psoriasis free children and didn't have the same insecurities about it but he understood what Brian was going through and was like a father to him. For their bond of psoriasis people could be excused for thinking Martin and Brian were father and son, even if they didn't look at all alike. 

Martin and Brian didn't always agree, especially when it came to Ernest and Julio Gallo, (Carlo Rossi) and Albert, the Gallo salesman who came into the Wine Cellar every Friday afternoon. Albert usually arrived just about when Martin arrived, when Martin was off for the weekend, and in a good mood. Good timing. Albert looked like a Carey Grant gangster- impeccably attired to show that he was of worth- fancy suit, shoes, gold watch, rings, and necklace. Albert was a bulldog charmer of the first degree and he had Martin wrapped around his finger. He and Martin knew each other for years. Martin was loyal. I thought Albert was a character. He added spice to the place- the way he walked about the place as if it was his. He had amazing gall, like any good salesman. The problem was that Brian loved good wine and hated what Albert was selling, otherwise they would have got on fine. Brian wanted to improve the quality of the wine and beer on offer and this meant a battle with Albert. Albert would win the battle because Martin was loyal to him and Martin was slow to change with the times. Martin drank Budweiser. He didn't care much for anything fancy, just Budweiser. Brian liked to dress nicely and drink nicely. Martin was bluer collar and didn't want to change. Brian was blue collar and did. Martin used to crack open a Budweiser in the office when he came in from his day job. It was his store. He didn't care or believe in this fancy wine and beer movement Brian tried to persuade him into following. He did what he thought was right, and what he knew, what made him money in the past. He wasn't taking any chances. Better the devil you know. 

Martin was always friendly to me and trusted I wasn't cheating him. I could have many times cheated him by stealing a bottle here or there. I did the stock checks. It would have been easy. It was Brian who always charged me half price when I came to pay for a bottle of nice red California zinfandel I would be taking home after work to add to my growing collection. Brian was always educating me about wine so he felt a sense of pride that I wanted to take one home, so he gave me the stock boy discount. Brian was always cool to me and knew I was on his side regarding product placement and that Albert had too much say in the running of the store. Brian got me to appreciate wine. Whenever the salesmen came in with nice bottles to taste, ones Brian knew were good, he always invited me in on the tasting on the counter at the front of the shop. Brian let the wine swirl around in his mouth then spit it back into the glass. The salesmen always praised their wine and waited for Brian’s response, his affirmation that it is as good as the salesmen would have us believe. Brian would let him know what he thought. He could describe tastes very well, and tell you what was good about a wine, or what it lacked. 

There was another guy that worked at the Walnut Tree Wine Cave who had a really bad stutter and always wore a maroon vinyl reflective jacket such as the one football coaches wore in the 1970’s. His name was Ernie and I probably spent more time with Ernie than anyone else at the Wine Cave. I have never ever met another Ernie in all my life. Ernie was a lovely man in his late sixties and he and I spent a lot of time just chatting away, killing time. It was often boring, especially when the shelves and cooler were fully stocked and labelled and no deliveries coming in. We talked about sports mostly and sometimes politics. Once he got mad at me because I didn't know who Coretta Scott King was. I remember he asked me all incredulous, 'have you ever heard of Martin Luther King?' He annoyed me sometimes. I guess he got frustrated hanging out with a daydreamer all the time. Ernie didn't like it when he was talking to me and I would walk away with my price gun as if I was Wyatt Earp. He would follow me, attempting to get his point across, stuttering away in my wake. 'John ya ya ya ya you're walking away from me an an an an an and I'm speaking with you.' I don't know why he sometimes bored me because he was a very nice man. I guess I didn't like it when he lectured me. Maybe it was the maroon reflective jacket that he always wore. Why? I always wanted to ask him why he didn't wear other clothes, but it seemed a rude thing to ask. 

On pay day all the Stop and Shop employees came into the Wine Cave to buy lottery tickets, which was a pain in the neck for staff as it meant dealing with people's idiosyncratic ways and superstitions regarding their special numbers involving their grandchildren’s birthdays, marriage anniversaries... you name it. Sometimes the special numbers changed and Agnes would make a mistake punching them into the machine and the wrong number would come out. The customer would inevitably want to purchase the ticket with the wrong number. 

‘Don’t throw it away. Don’t cancel it! I want the mistake. I want the ticket. I want my lucky numbers and the mistake ticket with the wrong numbers too. It might be fate, you never know.’ 

We should have had a board on the wall or a notebook with these special numbers to save time as the people annoyingly read from some old piece of paper in their wallets or purse and a line would form behind them. The idea of the lottery machine was to get people into the store to buy alcohol or cigarettes but most of the people that came to play the lottery weren't interested in the alcohol or wine. The Stop and Shop employers that came into the Wine Cave every week to throw their money out the window were fools because they weren't going to win. They were wasting their hard earned money and everybody’s time. 

My grandfather was an accountant all his life and when he'd retired he still needed numbers. He believed in his blooming senility that he had acquired a system to predict the numbers before they were drawn. Grandpa had all the winning numbers from the past several years spread out before him on his dining room table. He was going to beat the lottery system. It wasn't superstition he was after or believed in, or luck or fate, but work. 

Giacomo Bistrot Robbed

Giacomo Bistrot Robbed

Giacomo Bistrot was an up scale Italian restaurant in town. My mother was friends with the owners. They were a nice Italian family running a nice family restaurant. 

I was fifteen years old and walked passed the old movie theatre in town one winter night when I spotted a black kid named Squirrel. Squirrel was a little older than I but I'm not sure how much older because nobody knew how old Squirrel really was because he didn't go to one of the schools in town any more. He went to another school in another town. I don’t know how he got his nickname but he was a character and a person that people feared. He was always nice to me for some reason. He never singled me out or picked on me the way he did others. I don’t know why. It was the same on this night. Squirrel was nice as can be. 

-Eh, Whitaker- you thirsty for some good beer?

-Sure, why, do you have some? 

-No, but I know where to get some. . . for free. Follow me. 

I followed Squirrel up the road that runs along the train line and down behind some shops. We came to the back of Giacomo Bistrot. They were having an extension done out the back. I followed Squirrel down into the basement area, which had some fencing surrounding the work. We pulled back the fence and squeezed our bodies through. Easy. We were in. We could hear people talking above us in the restaurant. My mother could have been up there for all I knew. We made our way into the basement area, which seemed to be the storage area for the alcohol. Stacked in front of us were cases and cases of bottles of beer- Becks, Heineken, etc and expensive champagne- Veuve Cliquot, Moet et Chandon. We didn’t want to be too greedy and conspicuous so we only grabbed a case of Beck's Dark. We took it back to an alley behind the movie theatre and cracked open a beer each and toasted. When we finished the beer I took my half of the case and Squirrel took his and we went our separate ways. I took mine back to the shed and shared them with my friends. 

The next weekend I was with a friend. We were bored and thirsty. I told him about Giacomo Bistrot. 

-What do you think?

-Let’s do it. 

This time we were a little greedier, we took a couple of cases and some champagne. We took it all back to the shed. It was so easy we got greedier. We enlisted some new recruits to help us lug the stuff across town and back to the shed. It did look a little dodgy- a group of fifteen year olds smuggling cases of alcohol across town. We managed to do it successfully. 

Some weeks later I happened to pass the local newspaper sitting on the kitchen counter. The headline read:

Giacomo Bistrot Robbed

Oh, boy. I read the story. No suspects, just that they’d been robbed of lots of alcohol, beer and champagne. My mother talked about it at the dinner table. 

-Those poor people, just trying to run a business and someone is robbing them blind. Why would someone do such a thing?

A couple of weeks later my older brother had a party with all his friends over. They were in their mid twenties and inside the house being raucous. My older brother had no idea we were up to no good out back by the shed drinking our beer. The champage was for when the beer ran out. One of my older brother’s drunken friends decided to take a walk around the yard in a drunken stupor and he heard us back by the shed and decided to pay a visit. He sat on a case of champagne as we drank by candlelight in the night-time cold. We didn't think anything of it. We offered him a beer. He slurred a bunch of words about how we had wonderful taste in champagne, then made his way back into the house with a bottle of our Heineken. 

We went off for a walk in the neighbourhood to find some action as you do when you're young and drunk. When I came back into the house later that night I discovered a bunch of familiar champagne and beer bottles on the table- Veuve Cliquot, Moet et Chandon, Becks, Heineken, all the same brands we had in the shed. I went out to the shed to have a look. Older brother and his friends had helped themselves. I ran back into the house and found him. He was with his friends drinking our beer and champagne- still slurring his words, only now worse. 

-I know where it came from. I’m not stupid. ... Where would you little kids get the money to buy this good stuff? It won’t take much to tell Ma....... and that is what I will do tomorrow. 

-Tell her then. You’re drinking it too. You shouldn’t be drinking it either. 

My mother figured it out the next day when she came down to all the empty bottles. It was the champagne that gave it away really. My mother saw the bottles of champagne lying all about and they weren’t the cheap variety, so she did a little bit of detective work and discovered to her horror that her own children had robbed Giacomo Bistrot. My mother watched a lot of Columbo and Miss Marple so she put two and two together. Obviously she wasn’t going to turn her own children in to the police.  

She called her friends, the owners, and explained. Luckily they were good friends and understanding and did not make it a police matter. The remaining cases in the shed were returned to Giacomo Bistrot and my mother paid the restaurant back the cost of the alcohol we drank. 

Bluff

Bluff

I cycled twenty to thirty miles a day that summer in Manhattan. I was a bicycle messenger. It was 1997 and I was 27.  I started my day at 112th and Central Park West and made my way down town to Greenwich Village and the financial district where most of my pick ups and drops off's were. I scaled the World Trade Center many times as a messenger. A bike messenger spends a great deal of time off the bike as well- in elevators, ringing buzzers, waiting for a response, walking around the block in search of the right address, all the while hoping someone doesn't steal your bike. The bicycle black market in New York City entire thrives.    

At the end of the day back up at 112th and Central Park West I showered and washed the car exhaust from my hair and pores. It looked like black ink pouring down my body to my feet and into the drain. A bike messenger wasn't a lucrative job despite it's serious lack of health benefits. I cycled Paris for a year so I was well qualified.  The problem with being a messenger was replenishing one's precious bodily fluids. Thirst could become very costly. Manhattan in summer is one of the hottest places on the planet with all that black tar and pavement sizzling and steam.  I loved it when it rained and cooled off. Nobody wanted to work when it rained because of the danger of crashing increased tenfold. I made a lot of dough when it rained and I needed the money. I didn't realise the danger of cycling in the rain at first. The danger is manholes. They are very slick and when wet the bike comes right out from under you, especially if you break over one. I learned this lesson the hard way and a scar on my arm to prove it. The other danger is car doors. Be prepared for them to open and ready to break or swerve without being run down by a yellow cab. I jumped over a car door one day as it opened unexpectedly. I was thinking bout James Dean walking the same village streets and if he ever happened to walk by or bump into Jack Kerouac or Edgar Varese. Bam! The bike went smack into the open door and I leaped over it head first. Luckily it was summer and the window was down. I had a sore shoulder for a couple of days. The bike and door were fine. 

I started writing a script that summer. I cycled during the day drumming up ideas and I wrote them down in my notebook back at the apartment at night. It was called Nomad. It took me a couple of weeks to write and think it was finished. I then ran an ad in the theatre trade newspaper Backstage for actors to audition. There were descriptions for all the characters. 

Joe: forty, rugged, ex baseball player. 

Cassie: 18, brunette, pregnant, 

Earl: 65, narcoleptic, sleeps on the bench in the local park

Etc. 

I was very excited reading the advertisement in Backstage. It was now official. But where were the responses? I hurriedly cycled back to the apartment from the village to a practically empty mailbox. There were a couple of actor's head-shots but very disappointing indeed. Each day- the same, just a couple again. Then Friday came and there was a note from the post office that I had a package waiting for me for pick up. The post office was wedged between some brownstones on the upper west side. I walked in and handed the friendly black man behind the counter the ticket. 

He looked it over and said, 'oh, it's you. You have a lot of mail, my friend. I mean a lot of mail.' 

'How much?' I asked. 

'Well, do you have a truck or big car?' 

'I have a big car,' I said. 

'Well, you are going to need it.' 

I had a car in Trenton stashed in my sister Cindy's garage. It was an old rusted 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88, the last car my dear old grandfather bought. I also needed to pick up some things from Cindy's so I took the train down to Trenton and drove the Oldsmobile back into the city and straight to the post office before it closed. The Oldsmobile was completely filled with actor’s head-shots and reels (trunk, back seat, front seat). There were also reels from directors of photography, sound engineers, 2nd assistant cameramen, etc. I could see nothing to the side or behind me as I navigated the upper west side toward the apartment. I lugged it all up to the top floor apartment. The entire front room of the apartment was filled with all this Nomad stuff. They said in those days that there are at least twenty thousand actors in New York. I'd say I had the headshots of five thousand. I began to sift through them and match them to the characters. I put a stack in the toilet for reading material. It was then that it dawned on me that the apartment was big enough to hold an audition. So a date was set, and I began to call all the pretty girls to play Cassie, and rugged guys to play Joe, and guys that could possibly be downtrodden enough to play Earl. 

The very first thing I noticed as the actors filtered into the apartment was they often looked nothing like their head-shots. The gloss was gone and who they really were was in front of you.  The actors climbed the four flights to the top floor and waited in the kitchen, which served as the waiting room. '

Help yourself to some coffee' the sign said. 

They practised their lines in the kitchen before they were summoned into the main room where they did a monologue, and then read the script of Nomad. It was interesting to be on the other side of the table and see people's nerves work for or against them.  

The problem with the whole project was that there was no money. The bluff could only go so far. Eventually the summer ended and the sublet and my time as a bike messenger. 

I moved down to Cindy's to live. I got a job in Princeton driving a limousine. I drove mostly to the airports- Philadelphia, Newark, John F. Kennedy. It was an okay job but I was too far away from Manhattan to keep the bluff going and the script started gathering dust.  

Jack and The Shoe Box

Jack and the Shoe Box

It was 1990. I was 20, very American, living in Paris on the Boulevard Raspail in a chambre de bonne across from l'hotel Lutetia. A chambre de bonne is a room the size of a shoebox on the top floor of most Parisian apartment buildings. They used to be the old maid’s quarters back in time. My neighbours in the other shoe-boxes were Arabs. The Gulf War was near and Nostradamus prophecies had me concerned. I didn't spend a lot of time in the shoe box, just to sleep in the small little single bed that took up most of the shoe box. The room didn't have a window, just a circular sky light the size of a large Frisbee on the ceiling where I could sometimes see the occasional star at night or cloud in the day. I had a poster of Marlon Brando as Don Corleone on the wall across from my bed.  The communal toilet down the hall was not nice and the toilet paper was of the gritty variety. I mostly only slept in the shoe box or to read. I remember reading Steppenwolf in that room. 

I worked one floor down on the fifth floor for a now defunct stock brokerage firm called Global America. The Paris office of Global America was a two-bedroom apartment with a huge lounge, which served as the office. A large wooden table took up most of the office.  A phone accommodated each chair. Cold callers sat at the table making calls to either get the guy who buys on the phone or to make an appointment with his or her secretary.  The brokers paced the floor of the office in anticipation of grabbing the phone and making the push to close a deal. Some of the brokers did push ups, sit ups, jumping jacks, anything to psyche themselves up for the moment the phone would be passed to them by the cold caller. It was a game. I was a cold caller. Cold calling was not my forte. I mumbled my way through conversations with people on the other line in Paris, Milan, Geneva, etc.  Most of the people on the other line spoke English but in case they didn't I had scripts written in French and Italian in front of me.  These were the days of Michael Milken and to be a broker was to be a movie star. 

The brokers in the Paris office of Global America either came from the New York or Florida office. The cold callers were mostly Americans living in Paris looking for work with an American company because their French wasn't good enough to work for a French one. There was Buck the former model from Tennessee who wasn't making enough as a model so he was giving cold calling a go. He looked like a male version of Sissy Spacek and was about as bad as I was at cold calling. There was Dianne the go getter from Wisconsin who wanted to be a broker and test her chops against these New York and Florida boys.  She was a good cold caller and probably eventually did make a good broker. Andy from Queens wasn't a broker.  He did the hiring, answered the phone calls as the first port of stop, dealt with the New York office and technical side of trading stocks and bonds. People said Andy looked like Tom Cruise. He was a nice guy who could adapt to a variety of situations but he wasn't interested in learning French or watching French films or eating French food. He was in Paris for the short term, like the rest of them. 

One night I fell off the back of Andy's motorcycle. It was a life changing moment. I had vowed after the first time I had got on the back of his fancy Honda motorcycle that I would never get on a motorcycle again, especially if he was driving. The first time I had the misfortune he drove around the peripherique of Paris swerving in and out of cars at one hundred and thirty miles per hour. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I could not tell him to slow down because I was hanging on for dear life. Months later, when we stumbled out of the Latin Quarter nightclub at three in the morning I was not thinking straight because I got on the back of his motorcycle again. I figured we weren't going to be on the peripherique, just a short trip back to Sevres Babylon in the seventh. He approached the red light casually but he had his eye on the other light to time the turn to green so he could gun it and punch through the small quaint Parisian intersection of the 6th arrondisement as fast as he could. He neglected to alert me.  I flew off the back of the bike onto the back of the helmet, feet over backwards, sliding on the helmet for twenty metres until inertia and gravity slowed and up I SPRANG TO MY FEET. This was explained to me later by Tony, another broker, riding the other motorcycle who witnessed the whole thing and had to swerve to avoid running me over. I can remember walking through St. Germain des Pres toward Sevres Babylon with the now heavily damaged helmet on my head and these two New Yorkers pushing their motorcycles and pleading with me to stop walking and take the helmet off. I walked all the way back to the shoebox and locked myself in.  I took the helmet off. I was in a state of shock, a daze. I felt extremely sore in the morning around my neck, shoulders and back. But lucky to be alive and not crippled. 

Things changed after that night. It was time to get out of the office- learn French, roam Paris. Andy and Tony said that if I didn't want to be a cold caller any more they’d find other work for me. I didn't care, so long as it didn't involve picking up the phone any more. They sent me on errands, asked me to clean the rooms, the bathroom, etc.. Tony had the great idea to have a party in the office. Andy was all for it. They drew up little flyers to advertise the party and they sent me out in the streets to pass them out.  

‘No ugly ones, and no men,’ they said.  

I thought it was a ridiculous idea but I walked around the streets of the Latin Quarter passing out flyers to all the beautiful women I could find.  It didn't take long to get rid of all those flyers. I spent the rest of the day playing flipper in cafes and walking around the Jardin de Luxembourg. Surprisingly quite a few actually came to the Global America party in the office turned back to luxury lounge, dance floor and all.  I met Nathalie that night.  I gave her one of my last flyers as she was coming out of the Musee D’Orsay. She was a voluptuous brunette with childbearing hips and a twinkle in her blue eyes.  She looked like a young Catherine Deneuve, only prettier. It was nice to spend time with French people for a change. It was a couple of weeks later in her little ground floor flat as she was cooking some salmon pasta in the kitchen that she laid into me after I stupidly told her I wanted to be an actor. I'd had couple of glasses of red and thought it a good idea. 

‘Oh Jean, everyone who comes to Paris thinks they are an artist or actor. C’est typique.’ 

Then the Gulf War kicked off. Paris had a charged feel about it. It was exciting walking the streets with the large gendarme and military presence about. I walked the streets trying to blend in, not seem too American, which meant keeping my mouth shut. It was then I came upon Jack’s advert, the one with he and Dustin Hoffman.There was Jack and Dustin Hoffman circa Tootsie and a quote from Hoffman praising Jack’s teaching. New York acting coach from the Actor's Studio. There was an address and a number to call, which I jotted down on a piece of paper and stuffed in my pee coat.  I called the number a little while later. The French women on the other end told me to come in on Saturday morning. Jack would be auditioning.  

Jack was behind a table with his assistant when I was called in. First he just wanted to chat. In those days I imagine it was unusual for Jack to have American or English speaking students in his Paris dojo. He wanted to know where was I from in America? Why was I there? What was I doing? And most importantly why did I want to be an actor? I told him I was from New Jersey, that I was in Paris to find myself and that I was destined to be an actor. Jack wanted to know why I thought I was destined to be an actor. I told him like Albert Einstein, at his chalkboard in search of the solution, he didn't know exactly what he was looking for but he knew he was on the right track, that he was on to something, that it was meant to be. Jack wasn't one to be impressed by anything but the truth and he was well aware that words were just words. He didn't seem too impressed but he accepted me into his class. 

The beginning of one of Jack’s lessons was all about relaxation. We sat in chairs like puppets dangling and Jack would walk around after fifteen minutes to feel people’s shoulders and arms for tension. When he got to me and my shoulders and arms he said I was holding lots of tension. I needed to relax and lose the tension, an actor’s instrument is his body and it needs to be relaxed.  That was true about Jack; he always looked so relaxed, like a puppet really. When he walked his arms swung like a puppet. His head was balanced at the top of his neck like a puppet. His legs moved like a puppet. He was funny too. Especially when he tried to speak French because he had the thickest Brooklyn Jewish accent you ever heard. There was a translator whenever Jack spoke because his French was non-existent.  

After the relaxation bit he would get two actors to do a role-play. One actor would be at the door knocking. He needed something badly because the stronger the need the better. The person answering the door is extremely busy completing a task. The task has to be so important that the person knocking at the door is a major inconvenience.  The point is to create drama- two people with contradicting needs. The number one rule of the exercise is that both actors are not allowed to ask questions. They can just observe and state what they see- not what they want, so their need is behind the words. Don't indicate. It's what you don't say. 

The women in Jack’s class would take their clothes off a lot. Emmanuel Seigner, wife of Roman Polanski, was in the class. She loved to take her clothes off. Once, she took her top off and painted her large nipples red with lipstick. She wore only her knickers as the person at the door bothered her. I don’t remember the importance of her putting red lipstick on her nipples but she had large breasts and was completely uninhibited. 

The first time I did the exercise I was the guy answering the door who is supposed to be really busy doing something and in no mood to be disturbed. I brought my bike into the studio. I was going to fix the front tire, i.e. put the tube and tire together and pump it up with air. Why? What was my need for doing this task? I told Jack that I needed to fix the bike in order to see my family in New Jersey. I needed to do it quickly before I ran out of time because I was cycling to the airport and I was going to miss the plane if I didn't get the tire changed quickly. I began to get very frustrated because I couldn't get the tire off because I didn't have a screwdriver to wedge the tire over the lip of the wheel. Jack loved my frustration. 

That was lesson number one. Things need to be difficult to be interesting.  The guy at the door needed me to help him find his dead father. Of course he didn't come right out and say it as that was against the rules.  No Questions. Don't indicate. It’s what you don’t say. 

The Best Stripper in San Diego

The Best Stripper in San Diego

Janker found the studio apartment on the off chance as he was walking by a community bulletin board in South Park, San Diego. He jotted down the number to call on a supposed Hollywood producer’s business card he had in his wallet from a party he went to in Los Angeles.  He made the call from the nearest phone booth. The year was 1999 and people still used phone booths. Janker had not been living in San Diego very long. He had been in LA for three months when Brian, a friend from back home in New Jersey, convinced him to move to San Diego and sleep on his couch until he found a place. It was now three months later and Brian’s couch was beginning to give him a bad back.  The studio was in Golden Hill, not far from South Park. 

To get to the studio you had to walk around the back alley and turn left into the parking lot, pass under the palm tree and old rusted basketball hoop, walk up a couple steps to the first studio on the left, number 1 on the door. These were not precisely the directions he jotted down in the phone booth, but close enough. He met the landlord outside studio 1.  His name was Charlie. He was a nice Mexican man in his fifties. Charlie said in his Mexican accent that the room was available immediately if he wanted it. He didn’t ask for any prior references or two months in advance- just that months rent, which was unusual and a good thing for Janker. 

Charlie opened the door to the studio and turned the light on. It was a dark room without windows on one side. It was a decent sized studio with the kitchen and bathroom adjacent. Charlie walked through the kitchen and opened the door to the bathroom- nothing special- linoleum flooring of the black chequered variety, no bath, just a shower.  Janker laid down the first month’s rent on the kitchen counter- three hundred and fifty dollars. He could handle that amount with his delicatessen (The Cheese Shop) wages. He shook Charlie’s hand for a second time.  Charlie said he lived in Mexico but would be around for a couple of days at the beginning of each month to collect rents. 

So that was it, no more Brian’s sofa across town near the airport where the planes took off, not that it ever stopped Janker from catching sleep.  Janker was not exactly narcoleptic but he could fall asleep anywhere- in a chair, at a party...you name it.  Janker had the gift of sleep. He sat on the edge of the naked bed taking in his new place. The room had the fresh smell of a good carpet clean. He decided to cross the room and pull the blinds and lift the window up to let some air into the room. It was hot and stuffy. The breeze was instant. He sat back down on the bed. He kicked his grey New Balance trainers off and they fell to the floor. He stretched himself out on the bed. He would have to buy some sheets and a desk or something to write and type on. He would have to go to Brian’s and get his clothes. He fell off asleep. 

He woke up about fifteen minutes later when there was a knock at the door. He opened it disappointed to be awoken from his almost slumber disrupted into a mere catnap. Standing there in front of him was a strawberry blonde ding bat straight out of central casting. Her tits were barely contained by her leopard print bathing suit top. She wore cut off blue jeans too small for her ass, which was rather large and bulging out. She wasn't sucking on a lollipop but she should have been.  Instead she chomped away on her chewing gum, hand on hip in a Lolita type pose but she was thankfully not that young. She was nineteen.   

‘Do you have a cigarette? She asked. ‘I live just next door, saw you moved in. I heard you talking to Charlie. I owe him rent.’ 

Janker was perplexed. Why was this woman, this young girl knocking on his door for a cigarette, this was peculiar behaviour? 

‘A cigarette?’

‘Yeah, you smoke?’ 

‘I do, but I’m all out. I'm taking a break.' 

‘Do you want me to go buy you some?’ 

She was blunt to say the least. It certainly took Janker off guard, but Janker was no fool. She was cute in a ding bat way that Woody Allen would have found amusing and made mincemeat out of on paper and a gem on screen. 

‘Perhaps we can go for a little walk to the shop together. You’ll have to show me as I have no idea where things are around here.’

‘I’ll give you the tour then. I'm Strawberry Kelly.’

Janker walked through the door and out into complete sunshine. 

‘Wow! That’s a nice name- a little long. Can I just call you Kelly or Strawberry?’

‘That’s what everyone calls me.’ 

‘What..Strawberry or Kelly?’

‘Either or, or both.’ 

‘I think I’ll stick with Strawberry. I already know a girl named Kelly.’ 

They walked down the alley toward the main road and the shops. Strawberry Kelly popped another piece of gum into her mouth from the pack in her pocket and offered Janker one. 

‘No thank you.’ 

‘What’s your name? You forgot to tell me.’

‘Janker.’ 

‘That’s a funny name.’ 

‘I know.’ 

‘Do you drink?’

‘Beer mostly, sometimes wine.’ 

‘I hate beer. I'm a vodka girl and Kool Aid kid. I make it great. Look, I'm going to give you the tour. If you want the best Mexican food I suggest that place over there. It’s the best around here. I can’t tell you about the bar there because I've never been in there. That pizza place there on the corner is no good, too doughy. This here place in front of us is the best place to buy cigarettes and beer, or vodka, well unless you want to walk far. The other place is about a five minute walk.’

‘It’s very convenient.’ 

‘Convenient, that’s a strange word, where you from?’

‘New Jersey.’ 

‘New Jersey, I never met no one from New Jersey. Where’s that?’

‘Near New York.’ 

‘Oh, I heard a New York.’ 

Janker was a little embarrassed as they strolled around the shop as there were other customers and his dialogue with Strawberry Kelly was rather banal. Strawberry Kelly was never going to win any prizes for her intelligence or education. Her intelligence lied elsewhere, in surviving.  Janker grabbed a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, a six-pack of beers, made his way to the counter and got in line. Strawberry Kelly stood very close to him, practically touching him, so much so that Janker began to get a warm butterfly feeling inside and a hard on began to rise in his shorts. Strawberry Kelly was eyeing the vodka bottles and licking her lips. She looked as if she was chewing tobacco with the amount of the chewing gum in her mouth. Janker was tying to be inconspicuous as he admired her freckle dotted cleavage from above. How did he end up in this situation with this total stranger who was now his neighbour?  

‘Would you like me to buy you some vodka?’ he asked. 

‘Oh, you’re a sweetheart, Janker. Thanks honey. Don’t worry; I've got Kool Aid at home.’ 

‘My pleasure, Strawberry.’ 

Janker ordered a bottle of vodka and a couple of packs of Marlboro red on top of the eggs, milk, crackers and cheese. They walked back the short distance to their studios- brown papers bags in hand, smoking cigarettes in the San Diego sun. Dogs barked in the distance and Strawberry Kelly’s lips smacked in rhythm.  How could she chew gum and smoke at the same time?, Janker thought. Strawberry Kelly chewed her gum like a truck driver waiting impatiently for the barricade to come up at a train crossing. Janker’s mother always told him not to smack his lips while chewing and he wanted to say the same to Strawberry Kelly.  But Janker wasn’t one to be rude. 

‘Do you chew Strawberry gum?’ he asked out of the blue, breaking the silence that had momentarily consumed them. 

‘I do. How did you guess?’ 

‘I could smell it before when we were in the shop. How can you chew gum and smoke at the same time?’ 

‘It’s nice- it sweetens the smoke. Sure you don’t want a piece?’ 

‘No, thank you.  Strawberry Kool Aid as well with your vodka?’

‘You are psychic, Junker . . . My grandma was a psychic.’ 

‘Janker.’ 

‘Janker? I love that name. If I have a boy I might name him that, you know.’ 

‘Thanks, Strawberry, I like your name too.’

They passed under the palm tree and the old rusted basketball hoop and walked up the steps. 

‘I’m just going to mine to mix up some Kool Aid and ice.’

'Don’t forget the vodka.’

'The vodka is the secret ingredient, and the Kool Aid.' 

'Don't forget the ice cubes. In this weather ice cubes are very important.'

'You're funny, Janker.'  

‘Is there anywhere to sit around here?  

‘I just sit on the ground and lean my back against the wall over there.  Or sit like an Indian.' 

Janker put out his cigarette on the decking beneath him, then picked up the butt and stuffed it in his pocket. His back was still bothering him from sleeping on Brian’s couch so he tried to stretch a little. He was very stiff and gave up the idea. He took the packet of Marlboro reds from his faded blue Fruit o the loom pocket tee and tapped out another cigarette. He sat down on the decking between the two windows and lit up. He felt tired and when he was tired smoking made him feel even more tired, especially in Summer. Strawberry Kelly was yapping away through the half open door. She talked about her psychic grandma and her predictions that the world would end in the year 2001, that something big was going to happen.  Janker gathered Strawberry Kelly must have some gypsy roots. She was the type of girl who’d been around, who learned survival on the streets, not in a classroom. She certainly knew how to make a sweet drink. 

She came out through the door to her studio some moments later with two tall glasses of vodka and strawberry Kool Aid. The ice in the glasses banged against the side of the glasses to make that thirsty sound. Janker always loved that sound. Strawbery Kelly passed Janker his glass and sat down Indian style in front of him. She was waiting for Janker’s reaction to her drink. It meant a great deal to Strawberry Kelly that Janker, or anyone, heaped praise on her drink. Janker wasn’t really aware of this as he smoked on his cigarette in one hand, glass in the other, looking at a British Airways 747 cruising through the sky to the airport to land. Janker took a sip just after a deep drag then exhaled the smoke and made a funny squinty-eyed face. Too sweet. 

‘You don’t like it.’ 

‘No, it’s..’

‘Well, what do you think of my drink?’ 

‘It’s sweet.’ 

'Of course it’s sweet, but do you like it?’ 

The drink was not Janker’s cup of tea but he was not one to tell the truth if it meant offending someone so he lied. Besides- Strawberry Kelly was very proud of it. 

‘It’s very refreshing.’ 

‘Oh, you’re a sweetheart, Janker. I knew you’d love it. Everyone does.’ 

‘Strawberry Kelly’s Strawberry Vodka concoction.’ 

‘Con..coc.. what kind of word is that?’

‘You have never heard the word concoction?’ 

‘That can’t be a word. What does it mean?’

‘It means a special type of drink.’ 

‘Wow! Cun. Cock.. I can’t say it.’ 

‘Concoction.’ 

‘Concoction.’ 

‘See, you can say it.’

‘It sounds like a dirty word to me. Sounds sexy.’ 

‘Only if you have a dirty mind.’

‘Nothing wrong with a dirty mind- do you have a dirty mind, Janker?’ 

‘No, not me; you have got the wrong guy.’ 

‘That’s a shame.  You can come see me at work some day.’ 

‘Where do you work?’ 

‘I work at Cheetahs.’ 

‘Cheetahs? What do you do?’

‘Guess!’

‘I don’t know… You’re a waitress.’ 

‘Close. Try again.’ 

‘You flip burgers.’ 

‘Close. I did work at Jack n the Box a couple of years ago, but not for long. Try again.’ 

‘You’re a secretary, no sorry, you’re a…?’ 

‘I'm a stripper, Janker.’ 

‘… A stripper. Wow!’ 

‘You don’t seem impressed.’ 

‘No, I'm… I'm very impressed, just surprised. I know I shouldn't be. Now that I think about it. It makes perfect sense.’ 

‘Well I am the best stripper at Cheetah’s- best in San Diego actually.’ 

‘That’s great. What makes a good stripper?’ 

‘What do you think?’ 

‘Well, there must be some tricks of the trade… things you learn along the way…or is it something that’s simply natural?’

‘It’s all natural, Janker.’ 

‘Perhaps you could give me a private show?’

‘Do you have a lot of dough in dem pockets? It is my day off today but I do private shows. Sean’s supposed to come by later but he won’t mind me making some extra.’ 

‘Who’s Sean?’ 

‘The love of my life.  I told you bout him?’

‘No… you didn't.’ 

Janker hid his disappointment- that he wasn't bothered by the fact that his afternoon would not be one having mad sex with Strawberry Kelly. He didn't want a private show with the best stripper in San Diego. He wanted the real thing. Strawberry Kelly just broke his bubble.  She proceeded to describe her relationship with Sean and Janker pretended he was happy for her. 

‘Yeah, Sean’s good now. Clean, out of prison. You’ll like him, Janker.’ 

‘Prison?’ 

‘Yeah, he nearly killed a man. He was bad into drugs then. He’s much better now with them. He can handle the drugs now, not like before. He was young.’ 

‘What kind of drugs we talking about?’

‘Oh, you name it. Sean is amazing. He is strong. He protects me, you know. He is my man. Even when he was in prison those years I never went with another guy.  He said he’d kill me if I did.’ 

Janker took the last sip from the glass. Both his legs were asleep from sitting with his back against the wall and they began to get that ticklish yet irritating feeling of pins and needles that makes it difficult to stand without either laughing or crying. His back had now completely stiffened despite the vodka. He realised that his afternoon with Strawberry Kelly needed to come to an end. He foresaw the boyfriend Sean returning and kicking his head in for drinking with his girl. He tried to shake free the ticklish yet irritating feeling in his legs. 

‘Are you okay? You look like you’re going to fall over.’ 

‘No it’s just my legs are asleep. It happens when I sit down on the ground or floor. Listen Strawberry Kelly, I need to head across town and pick up some things. I’ll see you later. Thanks for the concoction.’ 

‘You’re leaving already. Do you have any weed to smoke?’

‘Sorry, no.’ 

‘Oh, I hope Sean brings some back. I asked him to but he prefers the harder stuff. I like a good smoke and my vodka and Kool Aid. Don’t you go stealing my recipe.’ 

‘Don’t worry; I won’t.’ 

‘When ya coming back? I can give you that private show so long as it’s not too late.’

‘I’m okay actually… Some other time maybe.’ 

‘Okay, Janker. Give us a hug then and see you later maybe.’ 

Janker gave Strawberry Kelly a reluctant hug. The warm butterfly feeling of before was now replaced by paranoia and panic. He locked the door to his studio with his new keys, waved goodbye to Strawberry Kelly sipping her glass in the sun. She waved back to him, then un-strapped her bikini top and lifted it over her head revealing her pierced nipples.  They sparkled in the sun. 

‘Just a peep, Janker.  See you later.’ 

Janker couldn't help but smile and laugh to himself as he walked down the steps passed the palm tree and rusted old basketball hoop and made his way to the other side of San Diego to pick up his things at Brian’s place.